Mr. Belvedere was one of these shows. A typical American family, through the magic of television, is able to employ a former Buckingham Palace butler, Lynn Belvedere (Christopher Hewett). Breadwinner George Owens (Bob Uecker) was a sports writer and his wife Marsha (Ilene Graff) was a late-to-life law student. Each episode had an easily resolved problem that delivered a wholesome message. It taught morality and wrestled with important topics like sex, AIDS, and racism. But how could they afford a butler?

As television veered more and more into realism, the imagination and the naïveté that was there in the 80s was gone. However, what about all the children raised by television? We were raised to believe that morality and integrity were rewarded. We saw the quarterback or cheerleader find love with the geek that was beautiful on the inside. Where is my butler willing to work on my pittance of a salary? Where’s my much-more attractive significant other?

The sense of dissatisfaction associated with these sordid premises cuts so deep because the expectations associated with them went unchecked for years. They creeped into children’s minds and filled in the gaps of absentee parents and missing models of adulthood. You don’t stay at the same job until you upgrade to a better one with a whole new cast for Season 7. You don’t have 3 best friends who are with you no matter what. Sorry Rose Nylund, this ain’t that kind of show, honey!

Sure it’s a given that television is not reality. But without parents around to model goals to strive for children couldn’t help but look to their babysitter for advice. So instead of wondering why so many people are depressed, they should just look around at the expectations they have and how they define satisfaction. Or they could just ride a big pink dragon dog. It worked in The Neverending Story, didn’t it?

Everyone remembers writing “Have a Great Summer” in Virginia
McLoserham’s yearbook. It’s a nice gesture but between the lines
you’re saying, “Thanks for asking me to sign this, but I don’t know
you well enough or can be bothered to say something more creative than
this.”  Pleasantries, aren’t they grand?

In high school, “Let’s just be friends” is totally reasonable because
you don’t want things to be awkward when you’re stuck sitting next to
someone in Sex Ed. But as adults, it seems like a cop-out and often
really presumptuous. You’re either saying “I’m not attracted, so would
you kindly fuck off” or that you genuinely want to be the person’s
friend.

There’s nothing wrong with being direct and letting someone know you
don’t like them or letting the dial tone of the hung up phone speak
for itself. Why not be efficient and let that person move on so that
they can meet someone who is interested.

If you like the person, “I like you as a friend” doesn’t always leave
them in a friendly place. How do you build a friendship on a
rejection. Why not just give pretty basic and obvious social cues to
let someone know that you don’t like them in that way. Say something
like “Hey…I’m running to the DMV want to join?” or “Want to go to the
Container store?” That is a pretty direct and clear sign that they are
on their way to platonic town.

When you say, “Let’s be friends” often before you’ve really gotten to
know the person you’re saying that you like them but don’t find them
attractive. It traps them in the social pretense of having to be the
bigger person and be friendly to you. But will you make the effort to
be their friend? Ask them to hang out? Invite them to laser tag?

Plus who says that the recently rejected want to be friends with you?
I met someone who gave me the speech before we’d even gotten our meal
at California Pizza Kitchen. I had to put on my ranting hat and give
them a talking to.

“You know now that you like me as a person but
don’t find me sexually attractive. All I know about you is that I find
you sexually attractive but don’t like you as a person.”

Let’s face it if you don’t let someone get to know you before needing to share your
attraction level it can be a turn off. Plus, some people may have
higher standards for friends than for people they would have dinner
with. Or sex for that matter. Sex lasts 3 hours (or 15 minutes),
friendships can last forever.

In the situation where social cues don’t work or someone is just
really aggressive feel free to say, “Hey rapey, I’m not interested.”
After all, it’s not like you want to be friends with a potential
rapist.

If you think I’m a sanctimonious prick or want to share a funny story,
leave a comment!

Throughout all of history, by which I mean the last 20 or 30 years, men and women have tried to decode the opposite sex. Whether for sex, marriage, or love pop psychologists and self-help fluffers have tried to shine a light on the mysteries of the sexes. There have been:

• Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood : Norwood reveals…SHOCKER! You cannot change men.
• Men are from Mars Women are from Venus by John Gray: Homosexual divorcee Gray reveals the secret to a successful marriage to a woman. ..acknowledge you are different genders.
• He’s Just Not that Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo: Two TV writers take a few too many pages to state the obvious….if he isn’t calling he isn’t interested.

I hate to break it to you but these are not magical tomes that hold the secrets to dating. These are basically written to capitalize on women’s hopes to decode men and male hopes to get inside the ladies.

To counter that, I offer you one simple secret that will change your life: Men are Assholes and Women are Stupid. It may sound really offensive at first but take a second to think it through.

Men are selfish, horny, and willing to lie, cheat, and steal for sex. They will sleep with your sister, forget your birthday, and be ambivalent to your existence.
Women withhold sex in the hopes of controlling men and getting a commitment, they imbue simple scenarios with emotions and fantastical possibilities, and take advice about men from OTHER WOMEN?!?

It may not be PC, it may not sound sweet on paper, but in my many years of dating men and women and being in the confidence of both parties I figured I would share my findings. I will warn you that I am not a doctor, psychologist, or even a TV writer but I am a student of the human condition and hell it’s the X century and I have a blog.

For more check out:
Part 1: Men: They Shoot Pigs Don’t They?